Grade: C
Good: Action and sexiness, as promised; Amandla Stenberg as young Cataleya shows intelligence, capability and range that outdoes her older counterpart.
Bad: Blatantly contrived plotting; clichéd, underdeveloped characters; stock performances by actors who have all played these roles before; uninspired action and cheap, old fashioned exploitation.
Ugly: The aping of Tony Scott’s visual style
Zoe Saldana has been prepping for her role as aggrieved cartel princess Cataleya in Colombiana for a few years now. She started way back in 2003 with a minor role in the first Pirates move then escalated as she became the go-to action girl with roles as Uhura in the Star Trek reboot, Neytiri the Na’vi in Avatar and, more recently, as the enigmatic Aisha in The Losers. Now, Saldana is essentially taking her role as Aisha and stretching it across an hour and a half feature. Sadly, the Losers aren't around to support her, and, boy, does she need them.
Oliver Megaton’s (seriously? Transformers are directing now?) Colombiana harkens back to the good old days of exploitation cinema with nonsensical plotting, an unequivocally badass heroine who is unafraid to deliver dirtnaps in her skivvies and, seemingly, copious amounts of bullets and explosions. Colombiana follows Cataleya Restrepo, the daughter of a Colombian cartel enforcer (Jesse Borrego) who turned state’s evidence on his employers and was promptly erased for his betrayal. Unfortunately, Cataleya witnessed her parent’s deaths firsthand—see Mr. Wayne, you're not the only one—as a child and is now possessed with a thirst for vengeance. After her parent’s death, Cataleya makes her way to Chicago, where her Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) reluctantly schools her in the art of assassination. As an adult, Cataleya has become a proficient contract killer—22 kills to her name—who tags her killers with her namesake, a rare Colombian orchid. When Cataleya’s signature draws the attention of dogged FBI agent Ross (Lennie James), she finally gets close to drawing out the men who took her parents from her.
Colombiana is as much an exercise in exploitation as it is in inorganic plotting. Nothing in this movie, after the opening scenes, occurs without contrivance, and rarely is there an excuse for Saldana to do something while rocking a pair of pants. While I realize every piece of fiction is contrived, it’s incumbent on the creative talent to at least make it seem like it isn’t. On that point, Megaton and his team have failed. When ten-year old Cataleya starts free-running through the slums of Colombia—mind you, being pursued by Colombian freerunners, in 1992—the audience should know something’s amiss. Clearly, Megaton and crew thought they could splice together some loosely-connected action—filmed in the annoyingly hyperkinetic style of Tony Scott—over a toilet-paper-thin plot and sell it because the lead is hot. There’s no doubt in my mind this will sell, but it’s a shame nobody took the time to make this work because Colombiana could have been something more than just the sum of it's parts.
When the story isn’t following Cataleya as she exterminates random targets who are only tangentially attached to her main targets, it’s tracking her life as a cold detached assassin, which somehow both sucks and blows because it’s so boring and clichéd. Cataleya can’t have any attachments, not to her family or her “boyfriend”/sex buddy (Michael Vartan, as a clueless artist who is so bland and dense that it would be hard for anyone to be attached). All Cataleya does throughout the movie, is slither sexily—whether she’s randomly dancing in her apartment or showering or just walking down the block—and plan her hits, which are dishearteningly hands-off. There’s nothing about her that seems remotely human. That maybe Megaton and screenwriter Luc Besson’s—clearly trying to recapture the feel of his legendary La Femme Nikita, point—but it seems like they were trying to humanize her and couldn’t decide which way to go. As a result, Cataleya just doesn’t connect. It doesn’t help matters that her motivation is a bit tainted, as her father was clearly involved in the drug trade and probably wasn’t totally innocent. As such, there’s a degree of empathy that’s lost because how can an audience root for someone who is trying to avenge a cold-blooded killer. These types of questions will plague attentive audience members as they try to digest this hokum that looks like it was made on the same set as Tony Scott’s Domino back in ’05.
The performances in Colombiana barely help elevate the material because they’re so shallow and perfunctory. Saldana could likely play this role in her sleep, and to a degree it seems like she’s sleepwalking through this. If Cataleya had more depth there might be a challenge for Saldana to rise to, but as it stands all she does is saunter while either looking sad, sexy or angry. Conversely, Amandla Stenberg, who plays young Cataleya and looks like the one of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett's lost children, shows great restraint as a traumatized girl who is capable and smart while trying to deal with the shock without breaking down. The supporting cast, on the other hand, are vapors and cutouts. Lennie James’ Agent Ross is no revelation. He’s the same persistent soul who is smarter the average agent that has been done in every movie like this; however, those other agents didn’t have the added benefit of a magical supercomputer that can identify anybody in the world using a fraction of an image. Vartan again plays a dope with a taste for dangerous women who are clearly too good for him, doing so with his standard lack of emotion, charisma or charm. Cliff Curtis tries to throw some gravitas and humanity into his role as Cataleya’s uncle, but his moments are too short to register him as more than a dissenting, albeit concerned, voice. Cataleya’s chief target, Marco, is played by Jordi Molla who isn’t doing much more than rehashing his slimy drug dealer from Bad Boys II, leading me to believe that Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with this poor guy besides make him a drug lord. Curiously, there’s a dearth of female presence in this flick aside from Cataleya, which is odd in something that seemingly champions females as powerful and smart. I guess it would upset the balance to have this movie actually pass the Bechdel Test.
For all its faults, Colombiana succeeds on some level because it delivers what the trailers and ads promised. There’s a sexy, tough woman shooting suckers and blowing sh!* up. Truthfully, that’s probably all that’s expected of this, so on that level Megaton and his Decepticons have hit the mark. Unfortunately, the scenes of mass destruction are capped at the standard three per action movie and they're sandwiched between stretches of the aforementioned contrived plotting coupled with scant characterization. Sadly, everything about Colombiana is so uninspired that it’s hard to recommend this to anybody but an action movie virgin. So, for those who’ve never seen Saldana in an action flick and don’t mind a gaping disparity between weak plotting and some undercooked, over-edited action, Colombiana will deliver the basics, and nothing else.
Oliver Megaton’s (seriously? Transformers are directing now?) Colombiana harkens back to the good old days of exploitation cinema with nonsensical plotting, an unequivocally badass heroine who is unafraid to deliver dirtnaps in her skivvies and, seemingly, copious amounts of bullets and explosions. Colombiana follows Cataleya Restrepo, the daughter of a Colombian cartel enforcer (Jesse Borrego) who turned state’s evidence on his employers and was promptly erased for his betrayal. Unfortunately, Cataleya witnessed her parent’s deaths firsthand—see Mr. Wayne, you're not the only one—as a child and is now possessed with a thirst for vengeance. After her parent’s death, Cataleya makes her way to Chicago, where her Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) reluctantly schools her in the art of assassination. As an adult, Cataleya has become a proficient contract killer—22 kills to her name—who tags her killers with her namesake, a rare Colombian orchid. When Cataleya’s signature draws the attention of dogged FBI agent Ross (Lennie James), she finally gets close to drawing out the men who took her parents from her.
Colombiana is as much an exercise in exploitation as it is in inorganic plotting. Nothing in this movie, after the opening scenes, occurs without contrivance, and rarely is there an excuse for Saldana to do something while rocking a pair of pants. While I realize every piece of fiction is contrived, it’s incumbent on the creative talent to at least make it seem like it isn’t. On that point, Megaton and his team have failed. When ten-year old Cataleya starts free-running through the slums of Colombia—mind you, being pursued by Colombian freerunners, in 1992—the audience should know something’s amiss. Clearly, Megaton and crew thought they could splice together some loosely-connected action—filmed in the annoyingly hyperkinetic style of Tony Scott—over a toilet-paper-thin plot and sell it because the lead is hot. There’s no doubt in my mind this will sell, but it’s a shame nobody took the time to make this work because Colombiana could have been something more than just the sum of it's parts.
When the story isn’t following Cataleya as she exterminates random targets who are only tangentially attached to her main targets, it’s tracking her life as a cold detached assassin, which somehow both sucks and blows because it’s so boring and clichéd. Cataleya can’t have any attachments, not to her family or her “boyfriend”/sex buddy (Michael Vartan, as a clueless artist who is so bland and dense that it would be hard for anyone to be attached). All Cataleya does throughout the movie, is slither sexily—whether she’s randomly dancing in her apartment or showering or just walking down the block—and plan her hits, which are dishearteningly hands-off. There’s nothing about her that seems remotely human. That maybe Megaton and screenwriter Luc Besson’s—clearly trying to recapture the feel of his legendary La Femme Nikita, point—but it seems like they were trying to humanize her and couldn’t decide which way to go. As a result, Cataleya just doesn’t connect. It doesn’t help matters that her motivation is a bit tainted, as her father was clearly involved in the drug trade and probably wasn’t totally innocent. As such, there’s a degree of empathy that’s lost because how can an audience root for someone who is trying to avenge a cold-blooded killer. These types of questions will plague attentive audience members as they try to digest this hokum that looks like it was made on the same set as Tony Scott’s Domino back in ’05.
The performances in Colombiana barely help elevate the material because they’re so shallow and perfunctory. Saldana could likely play this role in her sleep, and to a degree it seems like she’s sleepwalking through this. If Cataleya had more depth there might be a challenge for Saldana to rise to, but as it stands all she does is saunter while either looking sad, sexy or angry. Conversely, Amandla Stenberg, who plays young Cataleya and looks like the one of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett's lost children, shows great restraint as a traumatized girl who is capable and smart while trying to deal with the shock without breaking down. The supporting cast, on the other hand, are vapors and cutouts. Lennie James’ Agent Ross is no revelation. He’s the same persistent soul who is smarter the average agent that has been done in every movie like this; however, those other agents didn’t have the added benefit of a magical supercomputer that can identify anybody in the world using a fraction of an image. Vartan again plays a dope with a taste for dangerous women who are clearly too good for him, doing so with his standard lack of emotion, charisma or charm. Cliff Curtis tries to throw some gravitas and humanity into his role as Cataleya’s uncle, but his moments are too short to register him as more than a dissenting, albeit concerned, voice. Cataleya’s chief target, Marco, is played by Jordi Molla who isn’t doing much more than rehashing his slimy drug dealer from Bad Boys II, leading me to believe that Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with this poor guy besides make him a drug lord. Curiously, there’s a dearth of female presence in this flick aside from Cataleya, which is odd in something that seemingly champions females as powerful and smart. I guess it would upset the balance to have this movie actually pass the Bechdel Test.
For all its faults, Colombiana succeeds on some level because it delivers what the trailers and ads promised. There’s a sexy, tough woman shooting suckers and blowing sh!* up. Truthfully, that’s probably all that’s expected of this, so on that level Megaton and his Decepticons have hit the mark. Unfortunately, the scenes of mass destruction are capped at the standard three per action movie and they're sandwiched between stretches of the aforementioned contrived plotting coupled with scant characterization. Sadly, everything about Colombiana is so uninspired that it’s hard to recommend this to anybody but an action movie virgin. So, for those who’ve never seen Saldana in an action flick and don’t mind a gaping disparity between weak plotting and some undercooked, over-edited action, Colombiana will deliver the basics, and nothing else.
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